friendship

you know it takes a wake up call at four o'clock in the morning to realize one of the most basic things of human existence... that friendship is the only important thing in the world. what is more central to a happy existence than friendship? nothing but love and compassion for others... yesterday and early this morning i lacked that quality. i was not there for my friend when a friend should have been there. I was not the cornerstone or pillar that was needed but instead was a crack in the foundation. what is my excuse? my only excuse is that i have a lot to learn about being a good person and that until i can be a good person, i shouldn't be considered a great friend. i have strived in the past to be as great a friend to my aquaintances as possible, but tonight i realized that i have been nothing more than a cancer. for this i am ashamed of myself and do not know if i can ever be forgiven by those who i love and care for the most. simply put, i have a lot of ground to cover before i am the person that i want to be.

there are certain people in this world that i know i could not live without because of their impact upon my life. maybe without evening knowing it, they have caused me to be a much better person than i was before i knew them. each of you who is reading this (one in particular) has had an enormous impact upon my life and i cannot thank you enough for that. probably without even knowing it you have made me as good a person as an outside influence can... now it is up to me to put myself over the top. this is my goal. forget graduation from college, a good career, or finding love... my goal is to be a good person and most of all: a good friend. tonight, at 4:16 am i am deciding that i will be a better person to those around me first, then i will work to improve myself second. i hope those of you who have spent countless hours around me can forgive me for the time i have wasted on your behalf being a person who is not me and should never be me. especially in talking about the last month of my life, i have no excuse for the way i have acted and the friend that i have been. i cannot express how deeply disappointed i am in myself. i cannot apologize enough times in the rest of my life for the hurt that i have caused. i can only offer the promise that i will be there for you from now on, no matter the situation. i have heard it said that to lose or forget a friendship is like having died yourself... and this holds true with my own beliefs. i hope i have explained my guilt clearly enough so that you can understand how terrible i feel. i can only pray that those of you who have felt my wrath can give me a second chance. i probably will not sleep at all tonite because of the horror i feel inside and the guilt i feel. at this point, however, i feel as though i am getting what i have long deserved.

i want to end this by expressing what friendship means to me. friendship means being a rock when all that surrounds someone is sandy soil. friendship is being a reliable listener, not being distant and opinionated. a friend is someone who can tell you something you do not believe to be true about yourself. a friend is someone who will be there at all times of the day or night, under all circumstances, no holds barred. a friend is someone without an agenda besides the improvement of their friend. a friend is someone who, when his or her friend is experiencing trouble, will not ask how he can help, but will react appropriately and without being called upon. after all, "life is nothing without friendship" (ok, i stole that one from Marcus Tullius Cicero, Roman orator).